


I Don't Want To Do This Anymore

by Jessie2126



Series: Madney Prompts, 1 Shots, and Drabbles. [4]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: F/M, I was trying to make it short, So so sorry, happy happy birthday, it wasn't supposed to be this long, really hope you like it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 11:14:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24350092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jessie2126/pseuds/Jessie2126
Summary: This is a birthday gift for the amazing MaddieandChimney. Maddie, I know it’s a few hours late, but I hope you’ll enjoy reading this as much as I’ve enjoyed writing it.This is the sequel to Your Not Eating, set immediately after that one takes place.The Original prompt was:I don’t want to do this anymore
Relationships: Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Series: Madney Prompts, 1 Shots, and Drabbles. [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1760506
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	I Don't Want To Do This Anymore

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MaddieandChimney](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/gifts).



> Maddie, this one's for you. Happy happy birthday, you are an amazing Madney friend. I am so sorry about the length, but I tried to include as much angst and fluff as possible. Hope you like it.

Chim only waited a minute or so before approaching the bedroom door. As upset as he knew Maddie was, he also knew that nothing good would come about if they just kept giving each other the silent treatment. Taking a slow deep breath, he approached and knocked lightly. “Maddie? Look, I know you're obviously upset, but we really should talk about this.”

Her response was immediate. “No”

He gritted his teeth in frustration. He couldn’t believe how stubborn Buckleys could be sometimes. “Maddie, come on. I think we can both admit that we took it a little too far, but I’m really worried about you.”

“Why? There is nothing to worry about. I’m fine, I just overreacted.”

“No, I know you well enough by now to know that what you just did there was so much more than just over reacting.”

“What part of I’m fine do you not understand?! Why can’t you just leave me alone?”

“I love you, and I hate to see you so upset. Please, help me try and understand. I really don’t get it. This is your first baby, you should feel-”

“It’s not.”

“What?” He wasn’t sure if he had misheard. 

“This isn’t my first baby.”

His mouth dropped open, whatever he may have been expecting, it certainly wasn’t that. He gently opened the door and lightly padded his way over to Maddie on the bed. He sat down beside her, keeping his distance. He eyed her with a concerned look. He didn’t say a word. He had learned with Maddie that pushing her to talk would usually just lead to her closing up even more. She didn’t look at him, just kept her eyes down as she began to speak.

“I’m so sorry Chim, I really didn’t want you to find out like this.”

“Oh, Mads, you have nothing to be sorry for, I promise. All I want to do is help you. But I can’t do that if you don’t open up.” 

“I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t know why I keep closing off from you. It’s like, I know you’ll be fine with whatever I tell you, But I just can’t help feeling like-” As she spoke, her voice began to shake and he could see her lower lip beginning to quiver.

Instinctively, he slid next to her and wrapped a comforting arm around her shoulder. “Oh, Maddie, you have nothing to apologize for. I promise, nothing you tell me could ever make me love you any less. Please, talk to me. I promise, I’ll never judge, I just want to help.”

“It happened right after he had done a really big successful surgery. That also just so happened to be our 4th wedding anniversary. He thought it would be nice if we took a trip for the weekend. The Poconos, we rented a cabin. He was so kind once we got there, until he wasn’t.”

Her voice broke, and Chim squeezed her tighter. “Mads, you're fine, just breathe, I’ve got you. Take as much time as you need, I’m not going anywhere.” A few minutes later, she haltingly continued.

“He was all about control. He would choose what I ate, drank, wore. That’s what he did that night. He packed me a bag with all of these beautiful dresses. Once we got there, he forced me to wear this short, skimpy, practically see through thing. He said that as soon as we got the fire lit, we’d have some fun.” 

Chim’s fists reflexively clenched. “I take it you didn’t?” he said, voice soft and gentle. 

“No, he tried to start a fire, but he forgot to open the flue. The fire department had to be called. I didn’t say a single word to them, but I could tell he was embarrassed. I swear, I don’t even think I looked at them once.”

Chim lightly began to rub circles on her back. “Mads, love, you are completely fine. I believe you; you never need to validate yourself to me.”

“I know, I just keep thinking that you’ll judge or question me.”

“The way Doug would?” She gave a tiny nod. “No, never, I can guarantee it.” 

“That night was the worst it had ever been so far. He used his belt, pulled my hair, slammed me against a wall. It was awful. I just kept thinking, just do what he says and it’ll all be over soon.” 

“Oh, Maddie, love, I’m so incredibly sorry.”

“But then it got worse. He forced me to have sex with him, multiple times. Said that it was my fault, that I made those men flirt with me, that I deserved it, that I had asked for it. He would refuse to use condoms, and he would have noticed if I went in for an IUD, so I took birth control. But I had been on antibiotics at the time.”

Chim’s face fell. “Antibiotics and birth control can adversely affect each other, cancel each other out.” She gave another tiny nod.

“Yeah, I didn’t even think about it until I realized I was late. At first, he was so excited. He had always wanted kids, wanted to grow our family, make it the best. But as it progressed, he would start to do little things. He had done them before, but now...It’s like he got more pleasure from them. Measuring out my portions at meals, I could only have exactly what he served me. Judging my outfit choices, now instead of giving me a few to choose from, he would give me only one option and I had to wear it. It was the worst in public, especially at dinners. He’d make all of these little remarks. Are you sure you should be eating that? That’s a pretty big portion don’t you think? Dessert isn’t really necessary; you’re already getting a little chunky. The more he did, the more I knew I couldn’t bring a child into this world with him as a father. They wouldn’t have been safe.” At this, her voice broke again, and tears streamed down her face. “So, I tried to take the only control I had.” 

Realization dawned on Chim’s face and he could feel his heart breaking. “Oh, Maddie, did you starve yourself?”

“I didn’t know what else to do. He had already taken so much from me; I had no idea how to fight. At meal times, I would only eat half of what he gave me. But he wanted a completely clean plate. He said that the only way we would have a healthy baby was if I ate exactly what he put in front of me. I never wanted to hurt my child, in all honesty, I don’t know what I was hoping to get out of it.”

“Maddie, it's okay, I’m right here. I think that you were terrified, and anxious, and incredibly stressed. All you knew in that moment was that your child would be in danger if you brought it into this world, so you had to do something to ensure that that wouldn’t happen. Even then, you were putting yourself first. I hope you know how much I admire that, you are so strong, and I will never stop telling you that.”

“Thanks. It has been really difficult honestly. I mean, I know in my head I’m safe and he’s gone, but. It’s still so hard to realize that I’m not in that situation.”

“Anytime, and I really mean that.”

Taking a deep breath, she pressed on. “One night, he just couldn’t hold it in anymore. I was 20 weeks along by then. I hadn’t eaten most of the salad he had given me. He just lost it. Up until that point, he had strictly avoided my stomach, he preferred to aim for my face and arms, places that could be covered with long sleeves or makeup.”

Chim couldn’t stop the shocked look from appearing on his face. Even though he knew what she had gone through, it still astounded him how she could still be standing. “Maddie, I...I...I don’t know what else to say, but I’m right here, you can say as much or as little as you’d like.” 

Maddie’s shoulders slumped. She knew how much he loved her, but opening up was still so incredibly hard for her. The only reason she had done it this much was because she just couldn’t keep it in anymore. “But at that point, all the rage he had been building up just came over him. He swung back his fist and punched me in the stomach. He couldn’t stop after that, just kept punching, pulling my hair, screaming. He kept telling me what a worthless person I was, that I didn’t deserve him, that I was weak, that no matter how hard I tried to fight back, he would always have the upper hand.” As she spoke, Maddie could feel her breathing beginning to quicken. 

“Hey, Maddie, look at me. You are fine, safe, and loved. I am right here, and I am not going anywhere. Just take some nice, slow, deep breaths. That’s it, I got you, you’re okay.” As her breathing regulated, Chim gave her a kind look. “Maddie, listen, I can tell that this is bringing up a lot for you right now. Please, if it’s too much, you don’t need to continue. I wouldn’t want you to do anything that’s going to make you more anxious or stressed. You can stop if you’d like. I don’t want to push you to recount something you’re not ready for.” 

She shook her head. “No, I need to say all of this, it’s so hard, but I’ve kept it in for so long already, it’s come to a point where I just need to tell you everything.” Chim gave an understanding nod and lightly patted her shoulder. “A few days before, I felt his first kick. He was such an active baby, just like this one. He probably kicked at least 10 times an hour. Doug got so happy the first time he felt it. But, as soon as he punched me, I felt him drop, and then there was no more movement. That’s when I knew we had to go to the hospital.”

Chim felt his eyes well with tears as he held her close. “Oh, Mads, I’m so sorry. It was a boy?”

“Yes, Doug said that he wanted to find out the gender as soon as possible. I had had my appointment a few days before it happened. He was so happy about having a son, and said that he would finally be able to carry on the family name.” She took a minute before taking a slow deep breath and continuing. “By the time the doctor told us the news, I already knew it was too late. They had to give me a D&C,. It was awful. That was the hardest day of my life. Going to the hospital, and realizing that he was gone.” She paused, before gazing at him with a confused and hurt look. “You know? It’s interesting, I tried to stop him from being born by not eating. But when he didn’t make it, I felt just as sad. I don’t really know why.”

Chim gazed at her with a thoughtful expression. “Maybe it has to do with control? While you never meant to hurt your baby, if something did happen to him because you weren’t eating, it would be on you. But, since it was Doug’s fault, you felt powerless, because you couldn’t do anything to protect him.?

She gave a small shrug. “Maybe, but I keep going back to why I didn’t eat. If I had just done what he told me, maybe-?”

Chim glanced at her. “Maddie, you can’t do that to yourself, or you’ll just end up driving yourself crazy. I know you and I know how guilty you feel. But you can’t think like that. If you do, your mind will just end up going in circles.”

“I know, but it’s so hard. I just keep thinking. If I just ate? If I was better? If I just listened to him more? Would he still be alive? 

“But have you ever thought about the alternatives though? If you gave birth, what would your baby’s life have been like? Would he have been abused as well? What kind of emotional damage would he have had from watching that? Maddie, these are going to be questions that you will never get the answers to. But I think you know in your heart that it was probably for the best. You knew what kind of man Doug was, you knew how violent he could get, and you knew what could happen if he got pushed to the breaking point. You were willing to fight as much as you possibly could to keep yourself safe, that’s why you’re here today. Madeline Buckley, I need you to listen to me. You are one of the strongest people I know. You have shown nothing but grit and determination throughout all this. You’ve endured things that most people could never come back from. But you got out, you found a way, and that’s what I love about you.”

“Oh, Chim, I’m so sorry. I’m a mess, and I just feel so bad. You shouldn’t have to deal with all of this. You’re amazing, and I don’t know what I did to deserve you.”

“Maddie, you never ever have to apologize or validate yourself to me. I hope you know that. I can’t guarantee I’ll always agree with you, but what I can tell you is that I’ll always listen. You can tell me anything. Thank you for telling me this today. I can’t believe you kept this in for so long. Does anyone else know? Buck? Your parents?

She shook her head. “My parents never approved of my decision to marry an older man. We lost touch after my first wedding anniversary. And, I don’t think I could ever tell Buck, the pain and anger he would feel would just be too much for me to bear. The only people who know are in Pennsylvania, they’re people I knew from before. God, after he was gone, it was so awful. I would keep getting stopped by people, asking about the baby. How was I feeling? When was it due? Did I need anything? I would have to tell them; and it would make my heart just break. Doug got over it pretty quickly. He blamed me, said that if I had just been a good little wife, and did what he told me that this wouldn’t have happened. He never allowed me any time to grieve. Immediately after, he began pressuring me to try again, saying that this time it would be perfect. I never left my house without birth control. He became worse with food as well, packing my meals, checking off every item on the grocery list when I went shopping. I couldn’t do anything without the fear that he would have something to say about it. As much as I miss my first baby, I...I just can’t help thinking that I’m so glad he’s gone. If he were alive...I don’t know how I would have made it out of there with a child.” The tears came faster. “Oh, my goodness, I can’t believe I just said that. What is wrong with me?”

“Nothing, Maddie, sweetie, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You have been through immense trauma, and you have never spoken about it. Right now, you’re finally verbalizing all those emotions. This process isn’t supposed to be easy. It’s supposed to be messy, upsetting, complicated. You are allowed to say whatever you need to say, feel what you need to feel. Please know that I am not going anywhere, I’ll stay right here until you’re finished.”

“I think that’s why this is all so hard for me. I want to be excited; I should be thrilled. But every time I think about having a baby, and trying to raise it, and being a mother, it just brings back all of these memories of him, and of what he used to do to me. And in my heart, I know you're nothing like that. You are the exact opposite of Doug in every way, shape and form, but I just can’t stop the thoughts from running through my head.” 

“Your feelings are completely valid; I hope you know that. Now that you’re telling me all of this, it’s all starting to make a lot more sense.”

“I’m trying so hard to appreciate all of you. But every time I get asked a question, or we get a new meal delivered, or we end up going out to dinner, my mind just spins in a million different directions. Food is the worst. So much of what I did with my first baby was not eat, and it's not that I’m trying to starve, but...”

Chim gave an understanding nod. “So much of what you did with the first pregnancy was not eat. Now that you’re in a situation where you’re pregnant again, those feelings just can’t help but come back. You were never able to talk to anyone about this, so since you never were able to discuss it, you can’t properly move on.”

She wrapped her arms around him and hung on tight. “You have no idea how nice it is to hear you say that.”

“I can imagine. If you don’t talk to someone, all those feelings just build up. Maddie, I will always validate you.”

“Whenever I see a plate of food, I just get so overwhelmed. It all just looks like it’s too much. My stomach gets in knots and I completely freeze up. Then, everyone around me just starts questioning me about why I’m not eating.”

“And that causes your anxiety to kick in, and then you really can’t eat, because you just think people are constantly judging you.”

“Exactly, I love how observant you are, I hope you know that. Then it becomes this big thing in my head, and the questions start to rush in. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just get past this? Will it ever get better?”

“You have no idea how sorry I am. I hate what he did to you, and I wish I could just make it all go away. Now that I do know, what can I do to make it better?”

“Honestly, I have no idea.”

“That’s okay, we’ll figure this out together. How about I start by not having you come to as many large food gatherings?

“That sounds good.”

“You might also want to set up a few extra sessions with Frank. I promise, I will help you as much as I can, but you should also get a therapist’s input.”

“That’s a good idea. You have handled this all so well. The more I’m around you, the more I realize that you are truly nothing like Doug.”

At that, Chim paused, wondering if he should continue. “Okay, Maddie, I’m not trying to push you at all, I swear, you don’t need to answer right now, but you said something earlier, and-”

“You mean about how you always ask about Doug?”

Chim nodded. “We don’t have to discuss it tonight, but I think that this will happen again, so we should really plan on having this conversation at some point. It’s been a big night of confessions, so I’m all ears if that’s where you want to go. But if not, that’s also okay, you can take the lead on this.”

Maddie thought about that for a minute. On the one hand, she was absolutely exhausted, but on the other, she figured if she was going to air her grievances, it might as well be all at once. “Okay, we can talk about it.”

“Is that really how you feel about me?”

“No.”

“Madeline?” 

Whenever Chimney used her full name, she knew he meant business. “Okay, yes, quite a bit actually. I just feel like the minute I mess up, or get scared, you just automatically think it has to do with Doug and don’t think that maybe it’s an entirely Maddie centered issue. And I don’t want to talk to you about it because I don’t want to upset you, but there are just times I’d wish you’d think about me and the issue at hand first, and not just make the assumption that it’s due to something Doug did to me in the past. Admittedly, you're usually right, but I wish you’d ask how I’m doing, not just ask if it’s Doug related.” 

“Mads, I feel awful. I never meant to cause you any more stress. I think I just thought that if I asked you directly, you would close yourself off even more. So, in my mind, I figured that if I brought it back to Doug, who isn’t here anymore, it’d make you feel safer. I had no idea about your trauma regarding the baby, and I keep forgetting how much he still affects you. Even though we’ve been dating for over a year and a half, I’m still so scared to push.” His voice broke at that. “I never wanted to hurt you or make you feel unsafe, I hope you understand that. I’m just so scared of triggering you even more that even having this conversation is difficult, because I know how much small things can affect you. I am so sorry.”

“Chim, I love you, but I promise, I’m not the same person I was before. Yes, things can still trigger me. Yes, I still have tons of doubts about everything. But we are about to be parents, our child will challenge us in ways we haven’t even thought of yet. So please, push me, ask me things, question me, doubt me. While I might not like it in the moment, you doing that shows how strong you think I really am.”

He nodded. “I promise, I will try my best, no guarantees though. If you want me to push, just say the word.”

“Will do. Okay, my turn, you mentioned feeling really stressed out. How bad has it gotten, and how have you been feeling?”

“Fine.”

“Howie.”

When Maddie used his full name, she also meant business. He sighed before speaking. “Okay, it's not been going well. It’s happened 3 times since we found out. Once during May’s moving away party, because you left early, and everyone just kept asking me how you were doing and I honestly had no idea what to tell them. Once after a really rough call. A 16-year-old stabbed his cousin 3 times in a fit of rage. The kid coded on the way to the hospital. And once a few days ago. I just kept watching you playing with your food, moving it around, picking at it, an I had just come from a 24-hour shift.”

Her mouth dropped open. “Oh, baby, why didn’t you say anything? You know the minute you feel off, you’re supposed to come to one of us so we can help you through it. After the first time it happened at the station, you know how worried we all got. I just can’t stand the idea of you so anxious, stressed out, and in so much pain you made yourself sick.”

His eyes filled with tears. “I know,” he said, voice quiet and weak. “I hate feeling like a burden. I hate that I can’t get a handle on this, I’m a paramedic, I’m supposed to be the one to help during emergencies, not the one causing them. I don’t want to be seen as weak or helpless. So much of my life has been spent holding everything in, never opening up to people, that now, I just don’t know how. I have no idea how to tell the team, I just have never had to be that vulnerable and raw, so even beginning to open up is just like this impossible thing for me. And you’ve just been so stressed out, I didn’t want to stress out or worry you even more.”

This time, it was Maddie’s turn to tightly embrace him. “Chim, you in this much pain worries me even more than you keeping it all in. I don’t want to get a call one-day saying that you’re in a hospital bed, hooked up to an IV because you made yourself so sick with anxiety that you passed out.” Her eyes filled up again. “I love you so much, and I need to know when you’re not okay. Call me the minute you start to feel sick. No, actually, tell me as soon as there’s something bothering you. That way we can work through it together. You are the most important person in my life, and your health and safety will always be my number one priority. Please, I want to know everything, every single detail. You may feel like you’re alone, but you’ll always have me.”

He gave a weak smile. “I’ll try my best. Also, our kid is going to be an emotional mess, if tonight is any indication.”

She nodded. “Well, at least they’ll be our emotional mess.” 

He gave a small laugh. “Very true. So, I don’t know about you, but I’m absolutely exhausted, and lasagna doesn’t exactly reheat well. What do you say we order in a pizza, do the dishes tomorrow, and just spend the rest of the night with each other?”

“Wow, I never thought I’d see the day when Howie Han skips out on dishes.”

“Well, after this conversation, I honestly feel like I could sleep for days. Dishes are the last thing on my mind.”

“Same. Sure, let’s do it.” Chim ordered the pizza and, as they waited for it to be delivered, they both curled up on the bed, not saying anything, just holding each other in complete silence. After the past hour, both knew that all the other needed was time to reflect on what had been said and on what they could do to best help the other moving forward. 

Once it arrived, Chim grabbed the pizza and they both headed into the kitchen. Quickly, he swept the dirty plates into the sink and served them both a slice. He was just about to take a bite when he noticed Maddie’s fearful gaze. It was completely fixated on her slice of pizza. Instinctively, he took the plate from her and grabbed a knife. He cut the slice in half, then into quarters. He then grabbed a second plate, put just one of the cut pieces on it, and set it down in front of her. He gazed at her with a nervous smile. “Do you think that might make things easier?”

She looked down, afraid of seeing annoyance in his face. However, when she looked up, his eyes were full of concern. “I think so.”

“Okay, let me know if you need me to cut that into smaller pieces.”

“I can’t believe this; I feel like I’m a toddler.”

“Hey, I’m right here. Whatever it takes, right? We could sit here all night, take as long as you need.”

She smiled. “Maybe just cut it into 4 more pieces? That way I can just use a fork.” He did, and before she knew it, she had 4 small pieces in front of her. “It doesn’t feel as bad,” she said, disbelief in her voice. “It looks manageable, like there’s space and I don’t have to struggle to finish one big thing. Thank you.”

“Of course.” And that’s how the rest of their dinner went, him eating his slice of pizza, and subtly cutting more for Maddie once her plate was empty. Once they had finished and were heading in for the night, he turned to her. “Are you sure that was okay?”

She gave him a wide smile. “It was better than okay; it was exactly what I needed.” They wrapped one another in a tight hug, just holding on to the other, both feeling inexplicably safe.”


End file.
